Oh no the baby is broken... The saga of fusspot

I know allot of new moms (and even some veterans) have problems with the new baby that they can't cope with or don't know what's going on. I had this problem and had trouble finding answers that didn't scare the crap out of me and it made me feel very alone. So as a way of helping here is what I went through. Please pass this on to anyone you know who might be struggling a bit!
My Fusspot was born August 28 2012 full term and tiny (when I say tiny I mean new born clothing was big on him). He got the nickname fusspot because for the first 2 months of his life he was always fussy and hated to be put down. Lucky for me this didn't last long and he is now a very easy going baby who only cries if he is tired or hungry. But those first 2 months were hell!
So here is a list of the problems we had with him:

• He hated to be wet and you could watch the line on the diaper turn blue as he began to cry and he always had bad diaper rash. (We were going though so many diapers a day!)

• He would also cry out a lot it seemed like for no reason and with the crying came yellow eye gunk that would crust up so he couldn't open his eye.

• I Spent the first 2 months of his life taking turns with my mother with him sleeping on our chests on the couch  because he refused to be put down. (The only thing he would sleep in was his bouncy seat.)

So all in my baby was "Broken". But with some help from the Doctors and my Aunt (I like to call her Aunt webMD lol) we were able to "fix" fuss pot and make him into the amazing baby he is today!
Now Iam not saying all these things will work for you but they worked for us.
So in order as described above:

• Diaper problems:
I being the cheapskate that I am do not believe in name brand products so we chose Costco brand diapers and wipes. No no that would not work for our fuss pot! After trials with many diapers we were given at the shower nothing worked so I contemplated cloth but living in an apartment this was like impossible. After more trials the only ones that worked were pampers sensitive and for a while there even the sensitive wipes were to strong so we would just use water on a towel. To keep the moisture down on his tiny tush we used some powder with a brush. By doing this the rash went away and we didn't go through as many diapers. As time went by gradually stated to reintroduce other diapers and wipes and now he is a now frills costco brand baby!!!

• Crying and gunk:
So the crying came from gas but not colic. I had trouble burping him the "normal" ways so I tried a technique called  "Stirring the baby"
It works almost every time! I also like toAirplane the baby by lifting him up holding him by his tummy and it's basically squeezing out the burps. When that didn't work baby gas drops are a gift from God!!!  But it also turns out after taking dairy out of my diet that the gas went away. Fusspot had a Milk protean allergy so I the cheese loving mama became lactose intolerant till further notice. (That was a sad revelation)
Oh and did I mention he was alergic to perfume. You could literly watch him break out into a rash as someone with perfume held him. Between the milk, perfume and diaper allergy he got the nick name of the hypoallergenic baby.
But like the diapers I tried reintroducing milk little by little and now I'm a happy cheese eating mama with a baby who no longer needs soy formula when I am not around!!
 The gunk came from a clogged tear duct and with a little rubbing (that he hated!!) and cream (that he also hated) it fixed it's self!!

• So part of the problem with his sleeping was he was spitting up when ever we put him down. Turns out he had acid reflux and his esophagus flap valve thing wasn't strong enough yet. So sleeping in the bouncy helped him because he wasn't flat, and when we put him in the basinet we raised it a bit to help too to k. he still spits up a good amount but not as much as he use to when he had the dairy problem. We also call him the super puker!
In regards to the sleep after my mom left I said enough is enough and decided I was sleeping in my bed and he was sleeping in his basinet if he liked it or not! I had these swaddle me sacks  that look like baby straight jackets.

Amazingly enough this did the trick and for the first time since the hospital he slept through the night!

I recommend these thing to everyone thy are amazing!!!! It's swaddling for dummies!!! It helps him not whack himself in the head when he is asleep and makes him feel secure. 

So in conclusion the hell of the first few months are over for us! Things get better I promise!!! Other than his flat head ( that is a whole other post) fusspot is "fixed". Most baby stuff goes away on it's own or with a little help but the light at the end of the tunnel will come! Oh yes I still say "Oh no the baby is broken" when he cries but that is more like making light of the situation and not getting myself worked up. So good luck and hang on!you are not alone or the only one

I'm not Crying that's Just the PPD talking: My Postpartum story

So I started this Blog as a way to vent but also to help people like my self who search the web for answers and only find the worst posts that scare them or the one's to good to be true. Because of this I wanted to share my postpartum and antepartum depression story.
Postpartum depression also known as PPD is a horrible condition that happens to a good deal of mothers after birth. It doesn't mater your mental state or how strong you are it can strike anyone and sometimes starts while you are pregnant. Most mothers seem to suffer in silence because of the stigmatism surrounding the condition. Unfortunately the media and society portray women with PPD as horrible monsters who reject and sometimes murder their infants but this is such a small amount of the community and an inaccurate assumption. PPD can take many forms such as extreme sadness, anger, agitation, or anxiety to name a few and it dose not always have to be directed at the baby. As in my case I bonded right away with my baby and all my symptoms were directed at my partner and step son. This will be a rather long post but if it helps someone it is worth the read. So with that being said on to my story:
When I found out I was pregnant I was ecstatic because I was told by 2 Doctors that I would never be able to get pregnant and when I found out I was also told I was 3 months along. Wonderful I thought 3 less months to worry about. But that was just the start because worry I did, and a lot off it. I was also told that if I did get pregnant I would not be able to carry the baby,so the entire time I worried about having a miscarriage. To make maters worse the relationship with my partner became strained as he began to worry about finances and our other child's behavior got worse. I felt very overwhelmed and alone because I had all these worries all the time and I felt like nobody had time to help me because the were to preoccupied with their own problems. Those were some of the most lonely horrible days of my life. I also had some medical problems during the pregnancy so I couldn't do much and my partner was always to tired to help me like he promised he would. So not only did I feel lonely but I also felt lied to. (He has since apologized profusely for this, told me why he stepped back from me, and is now in therapy)
So then finally the baby has come and I have never been happier in my life. In the hospital everything was wonderful and I thought I was going to be the best mother in the world and could not wait to go home with my baby boy.... Boy was I wrong. For some reason I got this picture in my head that everything would change once the baby got home since everything was wonderful in the hospital... but again this was not the case. In actuality shit hit the fan when I got home. I didn't know what to do with a baby. I found myself unable to function or do the smallest task. The only thing I was able to do was take care of the baby because I knew I had to. I cataloged every move he made and I found when I was unable to this I would have a panic attack. I cried all the time for stupid stuff. I cried because I wanted to go back to the hospital, because it was just me and the baby, and I didn't have to worry about anything. I also cried a lot because I didn't want the baby to ever grow up, and was constantly worried something bad would happen to him or myself. The first day completely alone with him was a lonely hell. I was so worried about putting him down for a second I would not even go to the bathroom unless someone was there. The child was never put down for longer then a second his whole first month and a half of life because of the guilt I felt. When my mom came to stay with us for a month things got a little better because I finally had 24 hour help with the baby. But when she went back home I hit rock bottom. I could no longer function at all and struggled to take care of the baby. I was constantly crying about something and felt alienated from my partner and our other son. I didn't want to deal with anyone or anything but the baby and that was all I could handle. My family and friends said they thought I had PPD but I said no way because I was so in love with my baby and as far as I knew people with PPD didn't bond to their baby's. It took my mother giving me information on PPD and finding Joyce Venis a psychiatric Nurse who is is an PPD expert for me before I started to see I had a problem. I always just thought it was a bad case of the baby blues.
I acutely ended up moving out of my house for a time with the baby and in with my aunt so she could help me with him since my partner was going through his own depression and problems. I went to my Doctor told him what was going on and he started me on Zoloft. Between seeing Joyce and the medication I began to start feeling better.
I started getting help when fusspot was about 2 month old so it has been about 2 months now. The rode to recovery is a long one but I am working on it. I am not fully back to 100% but my anxiety has gone down and I don't cry anymore. I find I am finally able to do things around the house and enjoy the things I like. I have moved back into my house and am working on my relationship with my other child and partner but like anything else this takes time. I also go to a support group in Princeton NJ once a month that is run by Joyce. It is free and all are welcome to come. I will put the information at the bottom of the post.
What I am trying to say is please do not suffer in silence. there are people out there who will not judge and want to help you. They understand and care even if your family, friends, or partner doesn't. PPD or APD can strike anyone and it can last for a long time if you don't get the help you need. There is no need to be ashamed or guilty it is hormonal and can happen to the best of us.

Here are some resources to help along your way:
http://www.state.nj.us/health/fhs/postpartumdepression/
http://www.babycenter.com/0_postpartum-depression-and-anxiety_227.bc
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Post-Partum-Depression/support-group

and if you are in NJ this is the support group I go to:

Princeton Pregnancy & Postpartum Support Group
64 Washington Road (Rte 518)
Mary Jacobs County
Rocky Hill
Joyce Venis
Third Saturday, 10:30 AM - Noon

Joyce bring donut holes from the best bakery in NJ!!! Hope to see you there!!!

A place for everything and everything in it's place... and that place just happens to be the floor.

I confess I am a hot mess of a mom. Oh sure I try to be perfect; I read the baby blogs, research all the gear, and buy only the most "educational" toys. Hell I had to have the crib with changing table and draws built in so I could be "super efficient and organized" but alas that is not the case and the crib has become another mass storage receptacle until fusspot grows out of the basinet. But then I have always lived my life in a sort of "organized chaos" where I know where everything is but it looks like a bomb went off.
But I had dreams! Wonderful dreams that I would have my baby and magically become an organized domestic goddess. That when I came home from the hospital my house would be spotless and everything would be as wonderful as it was in the hospital. That I would have wonderful dinner parties and my house would be something out of better homes and gardens. But that is what being delusional is called my friends and apparently the house cleaning fairy skipped my house this year.
So my house is a mess, it will most-likely always be a mess, and I am coming to terms with that. Oh sure there are the select few who come over and I do the 20min shuffle (i.e. shuffle everything around so your house looks cleanish till it blows up again when they go home) but even they get the disclaimer.
But you know what... That's ok. It's a mess but it's not dirty. I might have toys everywhere, dishes in the drying rack instead of the cabinet, and the clothing will most likely never make it out of the hamper into the draws; but I can find stuff (unless someone comes and moves something into it's "proper place" where in it will never be seen again)
My babies outfits might not always be worn in the proper combination they came in, and my six year old might not always match because I let him pick out his own clothing (or worse I have his father do it lol) but I got a lot of other stuff going on.
I'm trying hard to be "perfect" but as a mommy/ wife / in house full time designer I can't do everything. So if everything is everywhere so be it. As long as my family is happy and fed I am ok with that. My baby will not be a baby forever, the mess isn't going anywhere, and if someone doesn't like it they can clean it themselves.