So I started this Blog as a way to vent but also to help people like my self who search the web for answers and only find the worst posts that scare them or the one's to good to be true. Because of this I wanted to share my postpartum and antepartum depression story.
Postpartum depression also known as PPD is a horrible condition that happens to a good deal of mothers after birth. It doesn't mater your mental state or how strong you are it can strike anyone and sometimes starts while you are pregnant. Most mothers seem to suffer in silence because of the stigmatism surrounding the condition. Unfortunately the media and society portray women with PPD as horrible monsters who reject and sometimes murder their infants but this is such a small amount of the community and an inaccurate assumption. PPD can take many forms such as extreme sadness, anger, agitation, or anxiety to name a few and it dose not always have to be directed at the baby. As in my case I bonded right away with my baby and all my symptoms were directed at my partner and step son. This will be a rather long post but if it helps someone it is worth the read. So with that being said on to my story:
When I found out I was pregnant I was ecstatic because I was told by 2 Doctors that I would never be able to get pregnant and when I found out I was also told I was 3 months along. Wonderful I thought 3 less months to worry about. But that was just the start because worry I did, and a lot off it. I was also told that if I did get pregnant I would not be able to carry the baby,so the entire time I worried about having a miscarriage. To make maters worse the relationship with my partner became strained as he began to worry about finances and our other child's behavior got worse. I felt very overwhelmed and alone because I had all these worries all the time and I felt like nobody had time to help me because the were to preoccupied with their own problems. Those were some of the most lonely horrible days of my life. I also had some medical problems during the pregnancy so I couldn't do much and my partner was always to tired to help me like he promised he would. So not only did I feel lonely but I also felt lied to. (He has since apologized profusely for this, told me why he stepped back from me, and is now in therapy)
So then finally the baby has come and I have never been happier in my life. In the hospital everything was wonderful and I thought I was going to be the best mother in the world and could not wait to go home with my baby boy.... Boy was I wrong. For some reason I got this picture in my head that everything would change once the baby got home since everything was wonderful in the hospital... but again this was not the case. In actuality shit hit the fan when I got home. I didn't know what to do with a baby. I found myself unable to function or do the smallest task. The only thing I was able to do was take care of the baby because I knew I had to. I cataloged every move he made and I found when I was unable to this I would have a panic attack. I cried all the time for stupid stuff. I cried because I wanted to go back to the hospital, because it was just me and the baby, and I didn't have to worry about anything. I also cried a lot because I didn't want the baby to ever grow up, and was constantly worried something bad would happen to him or myself. The first day completely alone with him was a lonely hell. I was so worried about putting him down for a second I would not even go to the bathroom unless someone was there. The child was never put down for longer then a second his whole first month and a half of life because of the guilt I felt. When my mom came to stay with us for a month things got a little better because I finally had 24 hour help with the baby. But when she went back home I hit rock bottom. I could no longer function at all and struggled to take care of the baby. I was constantly crying about something and felt alienated from my partner and our other son. I didn't want to deal with anyone or anything but the baby and that was all I could handle. My family and friends said they thought I had PPD but I said no way because I was so in love with my baby and as far as I knew people with PPD didn't bond to their baby's. It took my mother giving me information on PPD and finding Joyce Venis a psychiatric Nurse who is is an PPD expert for me before I started to see I had a problem. I always just thought it was a bad case of the baby blues.
I acutely ended up moving out of my house for a time with the baby and in with my aunt so she could help me with him since my partner was going through his own depression and problems. I went to my Doctor told him what was going on and he started me on Zoloft. Between seeing Joyce and the medication I began to start feeling better.
I started getting help when fusspot was about 2 month old so it has been about 2 months now. The rode to recovery is a long one but I am working on it. I am not fully back to 100% but my anxiety has gone down and I don't cry anymore. I find I am finally able to do things around the house and enjoy the things I like. I have moved back into my house and am working on my relationship with my other child and partner but like anything else this takes time. I also go to a support group in Princeton NJ once a month that is run by Joyce. It is free and all are welcome to come. I will put the information at the bottom of the post.
What I am trying to say is please do not suffer in silence. there are people out there who will not judge and want to help you. They understand and care even if your family, friends, or partner doesn't. PPD or APD can strike anyone and it can last for a long time if you don't get the help you need. There is no need to be ashamed or guilty it is hormonal and can happen to the best of us.
Here are some resources to help along your way:
http://www.state.nj.us/health/fhs/postpartumdepression/
http://www.babycenter.com/0_postpartum-depression-and-anxiety_227.bc
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Post-Partum-Depression/support-group
and if you are in NJ this is the support group I go to:
Princeton Pregnancy & Postpartum Support Group
64 Washington Road (Rte 518)
Mary Jacobs County
Rocky Hill
Joyce Venis
Third Saturday, 10:30 AM - Noon
Joyce bring donut holes from the best bakery in NJ!!! Hope to see you there!!!
this is wonderful! thank you for sharing your story.
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